How can you count page views or members online?

[eluser]markanderson993[/eluser]
Well, I hope this question has a simple solution but I fear it may not. Here goes then. How can you retrieve the names of the members viewing a certain page (like this forum which displays members viewing a specific page)? Also, how can you count the number of times a page has been accessed? (like seeing the numbers hits on a forum thread)

Any help would be greatly appreciated. This topic seems like some sort of taboo subject and I just wish there was some sort of brave soul out there that could shed some light

Many thanks,
Mark